Grief

It was a typical morning here . . . Ty cuddled with me while we all watched one of those sappy Christmas movies . . . when I heard the sirens. So many sirens. I immediately thought of my friends who live in Kuna. But then, the sirens stopped. I looked at the window and saw a fleet of police vehicles, ambulances and fire trucks. I thought I would just walk out to the street and see if it was a familiar vehicle. As I got closer to the scene of the accident I saw orange. School bus orange. I walked faster, trying to see the bus number. The whole right side of the bus was so mangled that I could not read it. The scene unfolded . . . children on stretchers. I could not see their faces. I recognized a neighbor and she told me it was bus 11. Maddie's bus. Only, months ago, I chose to homeschool her and pulled her from the bus route. Maddie would have been the last pick up before the crash. One little boy was killed in this horrific accident. Unfortunately, I was there when his parents were told.

I came back into the house and hugged my children, so thankful we made the decision we did. But then it felt wrong because there were so many others affected. I felt guilty for being so relieved. When we put our children on the bus, they are supposed to be safe. I cannot imagine these parents grief. How utterly shocked and helpless the parents must have felt who didn't know their children were safe at home.

I realized that had Maddie still been riding the bus, I would have watched the accident. I would have seen the bus whip around and I would have been first on scene. I would have heard the terrified cries and screaming. The would-haves haunt me but the loss of this little boy breaks my heart; the ultimate "would have." Helplessness consumes me so I pray for the family.